Lost In Crazytown by Robert Bryndza & Ján Bryndza

Author:Robert Bryndza & Ján Bryndza [Bryndza, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: satire, Contemporary Fiction, Cheap Kindle, Humour, tmz.com, Celebrity, scandal, Perez Hilton, paparazzi, Hollywood, gossip, Funny Books, Love Sex and Marriage, reality tv, comedy, Humorous Fiction
Publisher: Team Bryndza Books
Published: 2013-12-02T05:00:00+00:00

Beano

Derek and Hillary's house was dark and cold, and there were no Christmas decorations, anywhere.

They showed me up to a bedroom on the first floor. I had a flat screen television, a cosy double bed, an en suite bathroom with marble walls, and a huge glass shower.

What would I have done if I hadn't seen them? I immediately felt grateful. I didn't really have anything to unpack so I put my phone and cash card on the bedside table and went downstairs.

Derek was chopping onions and Hillary was grating carrots.

"Hey! You settled in?" said Hillary.

"Put the TV on if you like," said Derek.

One of the networks was showing College Kidz 2 as the Christmas Day film. The irony.

"You wanna watch this?" asked Derek.

"Not really," I said. "I've had a Veronica overdose today."

I told them about her hideous accident, and the state of her house. After my torrid description of metal poking through skin and peanut butter rat whispering, all Hillary could say was, "Did you see what face cream she used?"

He was now stirring a big pot of soup.

I said I didn't.

"We looked at buying her house," said Derek, "it was on for three hundred thousand dollars, but it needed a lot of work. The doors are so low, she must bang her head a lot."

"She's got a great view," I said.

"Better than ours?" asked Hillary. He stopped what he was doing and stared.

"Yours is way better," I lied.

"She bought an old Mansion in San Francisco," said Hillary. "She's poured a fortune into remodelling it. Did you know she got six million dollars for College Kidz 3."

"Wow," I said.

"Course she's broke now," said Derek. "Her boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, stole all her money."

"She made him her manager," said Hillary. "She said she didn't notice it had gone at first... I'd notice six million dollars."

"Oh, you'd notice six dollars," agreed Derek.

"Where is he now?" I said.

"He got married last month, to her old assistant," said Hillary.

"Ouch. Can't she sue him?" I asked.

"With what?" said Hillary.

I took a moment to digest this. I looked back at College Kidz 2 on the screen. Eight years old and it was still playing as a Christmas Day movie.

Why had she thrown away the script without opening it? If anything could solve her money worries, it would be a new College Kidz movie? I didn't say anything to Derek or Hillary.

Whilst Hillary cooked, he advised me the best thing to do was hire a lawyer to get my stuff.

"I had a friend in New York. They found asbestos in his building and they never let him back inside. They tore the building down and he lost everything," he said chirpily.

"I haven't lost six million dollars," I said. "But there is no way I could afford a lawyer."

"Okay, dinner is ready!" announced Hillary.

It was bean and split pea soup. I was so hungry I gobbled mine down.

Before they ate, Hillary stood over Derek whilst he washed his hands and then lined up some little grey pills for him to take.

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